The only video on the Internet

It’s hard to find someone my age that did not at one point have a strong dedication to ‘a Youtuber’ or, at the very least, Youtube. And when our attention spans got too short, we moved on to Vine and then, by necessity, Tiktok. What I’m saying is: I might be among the last members of Generation Z who believe that ‘let me show you a video’ is a sentence I almost never want to say, and certainly don’t want to hear.

I realize that saying things like ‘there is nothing less fun than huddling around a phone with your friends’ makes me sound like I’m thirty years older than I actually am. And I don’t necessarily believe there’s nothing less fun than huddling around a phone with your friends. Among my suitemates, for instance, ‘Watch Abby Swipe Left On Tinder Men’ can be quite a fruitful source of entertainment.

No, I just think there’s nothing less fun than huddling around a phone with your friends and watching a video you don’t even think is funny.

I can’t say I’ve never shown videos to anyone. My friend Gene and I once spent about an hour showing his boyfriend our respective favorite Chris Fleming videos. But I feel as if the rest of the world should catch up with me on a little questionnaire I do in my head whenever I consider Showing Someone A Video:

  • Do these people share my sense of humor?
  • Are these people I see regularly and can talk to whenever I want?
  • Is the video reasonably short?
  • Are we in the mood for this?

And now let me throw all this away and say that today, while eating dinner with Gene and Liam, I stopped dead and said, “You guys haven’t seen Shatner of the Mount, have you?” with no regard to what the mood of the moment was.

Here’s the background context:

It’s possible that I’d unironically like to know where to cop this shirt.
  1. The widely accepted convention is that even-numbered Star Trek movies are good and odd-numbered Star Trek movies are bad. This convention can be debated if need be, but,
  2. Movie Five (Star Trek: The Final Frontier) starts with a camping trip, and ends with the crew of the Enterprise finding God. Also, Spock has a secret brother who runs a cult!
  3. During aforementioned camping trip (during, in fact, the first shot of the movie), Captain Kirk is climbing a mountain.
  4. This was William Shatner’s directorial debut.
  5. He was apparently taken enough with this scene to film an entire DVD commentary to explain why, precisely, Captain Kirk was climbing a mountain.

And here is what happened when remix artists Fall On Your Sword got their hands on this commentary.

So why is he climbing the mountain?

That’s all, thank you. One last thing: I don’t know what it says about me, but I have played this on repeat while doing work multiple times. Something about it motivates me. Go figure. Maybe William Shatner’s desire to hug the mountain (to envelop the mountain. he wants to make love to the mountain) inspires me. Or maybe it has the delightfully fast-paced, strangely catchy energy as They’re Taking The Hobbits to Isengard, with an added element of delightful obscurity.

Either way, this is why we need bad movies, and why sometimes we need to break our own rules in re: watching videos.

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